When Body Shame Steals the Spotlight

It wasn't until I felt ashamed of my first family photo that I knew something wasn’t quite right with my body image.

I had just given birth to Miss Mollie, my second bubba in 2 years and my first thought when I saw that photo was how awful I looked. Kate your face is enormous, you look like a Michelin man, how did you let yourself get so big again you stupid woman.

Heatbreaking isn’t it!

Heartbreaking to think that in the days after I had birthed a god dam human my mind was consumed by my body loathing.

I was so in love with my new little tribe. Holding my little koala bear and introducing her to big brother Rex for the first time would have been completely magical if my body distress hadn't tarnished that joy. Even with the cheers from my incredibly loving husband who would do anything to make me happy. Todd was so very proud of me, and told me repeatedly of the new respect he had, and what a rock star I was for going through pregnancy and labour for our family. And still, overwhelmingly I felt shame and embarrassment that I had once again gained so much weight.

When I talk about body image rippling across our lives, this is what I mean. It takes the colour out of life and boils the magic and beauty and complexity of life down to a body fat percentage, or weight or size of our jeans.

When I think about it now, I realise just what a waste it was.

It is such a waste of my time and brain space being so consumed with my body shape and weight. Before I even left the hospital, I had already cross-checked my calendar to see when I could lock in my first Weight Watchers meeting postpartum. Never mind supporting my body to heal after conceiving, growing and birthing a human. I had lost the weight twice before, so I could and would do it again! 

I believed it was within my control to change my body; I just had to want it bad enough.

Exploring the harsh truths of weight science over the years has exposed these lies we have all been told about how much our weight is actually in our control. Sure we might be able to change things for a short time, but eventually, the body, in an attempt to keep us safe, will fight to survive, and the weight will almost certainly return. We know the biggest predictor of weight gain is weight loss dieting. In my experience for most people trying to control their weight eventually will flip and the diet starts to control you.

The shame I felt looking at that photo, was the self-loathing that I had been brewing for as long as I can remember.

It was a lifetime of nasty primary school nicknames that became embedded in me as my truth.

It was the words of my year 4 teacher Mrs Lye who told me I already stood out like a sore thumb, in front of my class one day when I was having a joke with a friend.

It was slurs yelled by young men out their car windows about the various farm animals I reminded them of and the nasty comments made by friends of friends who decided my body made me an easy target.

Appearance-based bullying is so common in our culture and I can certainly relate to what we know now about the lifelong impact it has on body dissatisfaction.

I remember at the end of one of my Weight Watchers chapters, after losing close to 40kg, looking in the mirror and grabbing my 1/2 handful of 'tummy' thinking to myself, I will finally be happy with my body when I lose this. Even after losing an enormous amount of weight, I still wasn't happy with what I saw. 

What I know now that I didn’t know then, was my body, my weight, my size was never the problem; it was what I believed about my body that caused me so much grief. Healing our body image is a mind game, not a body game, which is why weight loss doesn’t change the way we feel about ourselves.

That photo though sparked something inside me that was even more powerful than the embarrassment. I knew it wasn't right to have this overwhelming sense of shame from my first family photo. As I watched my baby girl in her newest weeks earthside, I had a formidable urge to stop her from battling the same body image demons that I did.

I thought at the time that meant making sure she didn’t live in a large body like I did. Surely that will stop the awful self-talk and lack of self-worth that led me to the shame of my first family photo. Actually, that wasn’t it at all.

The most impactful way we can support a peaceful body image in our children is to role model body kindness and help our babes develop their own body trust. It’s opening up a dialogue about what body image is what shapes it and giving them the tools and empowerment to be able to live in their body that very likely won't meet body ideals. We can't do that until we have done our own work.

Until I learned how and why those unhelpful and just plain nasty comments that my brain would play like a broken record were a symptom of something much bigger than my body.

It’s about pushing back on the idea that all bodies are supposed to look a certain way. It's about speaking a different language to the one they hear at school, in the playground, in the media and just about everywhere they turn. It's about them learning that all foods can be part of a healthy diet and different foods give us different things.

When I look at that photo now, things feel so very different! I have the most amazing sense of pride and so much awe for the woman I see in that photo. I see a lioness with her cubs. A powerful lady, worthy and deserving of incredible things who might just be the luckiest woman alive. Goodness me how times have changed. I have forgiven myself for being so unhappy with my body for so long, for being so vain immediately after bringing such a beautiful life into the world. I was in a different place then, and that's OK. It makes so much sense that I battled with my body. The pressure to fit a body mould completely consumed me, as it does for so many people.

Of course I still have moments I feel uncomfortable in my body. I’m human. Those marble tracks (or neural pathways if I’m being fancy) run deep. The difference now is when I have negative and uncomfortable thoughts about my body, it’s a flag I need to check in with what is really worrying me rather than sign up to the most convincing 12 week plan. I can have the thoughts without the thoughts having me. 

Unlearning diet culture food rules and instead discovering gentle nutrition has been incredible for me and so many of my clients. I see body image showing up as a huge factor in how my clients nourish themselves which is why I believe the two elements of body image healing and repairing our relationship with food absolutely need to go hand in hand. When I hear my babies calling out diet culture and pushing back on the often harmful black-and-white rules they are taught in class or the playground about food, my heart swells.

It swells knowing that they have a different dialogue to ground in and remind them what to do on a BBID (bad body image day).

It swells knowing that when (not if, but when) they are subject to appearance-based comments, they remember it’s because that person is likely uncomfortable about their own appearance, not because there is anything wrong with them.

It swells knowing that maybe, just maybe they won't waste their one crazy, beautiful life trying to shrink or change their incredible bodies and instead focus on body kindness.

Modelling a peaceful relationship with food and body is one of the most incredible gifts you can give your children. AND let’s be clear, a confusing, enlightening, complex rabbit hole of healing. If I could offer Kate 11 years ago one nugget it would be to find a community of people all speaking the body kindness language instead of trying to do it alone.

This is why darling human, I am launching a brand new community membership called The Body Light Collective. Registration is open now and we officially kick off September 1st 2024!

Healing in community and connection is the name of the game. You’ll get monthly modules and activities AND access to me in live group coaching. I would love to offer you a very special reduced founding members offer. You can find out all the juicy details and sign up here.

It would be my absolute pleasure to walk with you as you heal your relationship with food and body. Slowly but surely we can make the world a kinder and safer place for all bodies. What a beautiful gift for you and for your babes.